


Fire to Flame

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Bloodplay, Breathplay, Dom/sub, Explicit Language, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-05
Updated: 2007-11-05
Packaged: 2017-11-13 23:06:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s all so very wrong, twisted in all the most elaborate and vile ways. The thoughts that flutter behind closed eyelids, fantasies that I know shouldn’t even exist...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fire to Flame

**Author's Note:**

> I blame this all on the sadomasochistic tendencies that run through my own veins. See if you can name where the lyrics are from that Kyo sings (song and band, please).

Some part of me hates myself for who I am, for what I want in the small hours of the morning, just as the sun peeks out from behind the horizon. It’s all so very wrong, twisted in all the most elaborate and vile ways. The thoughts that flutter behind closed eyelids, fantasies that I know shouldn’t even exist. I could blame it all on him, the object of my desires; the reason I started thinking like this. But, in truth, I know that this part of me existed well before I ever met him... well before I ever wanted him.

My eyes flutter open and I wince; the sun greeting me in a less than pleasant way from between the slats of the window shade. I groan as I roll over and sit up, stretching the ache out of my weary muscles. Practice again today... so early. One might think I enjoy torturing myself with these ungodly hours I require... but they’d be wrong. Some part of me thrills in pulling the others out of bed so early; delights in the displeasure written so clearly over their faces each morning. Again, so wrong. But it’s the little things that keep the larger ones from ever happening; from me ever letting go of that so carefully reigned in part of me. If I didn’t let the little things pleasure me, the larger ones would consume me alive and all this hiding would have been for nothing. I won’t throw away what I’ve built. Everyone thinks I just like the mornings, and that’s exactly how it will remain. Besides, me being bright and cheerful in the morning has nothing to do with me liking it... just me liking their pain. They’ll never realize the difference.

I get up and start my morning routine - take a piss, shower, dress, brush my teeth, comb my hair, eat breakfast, and leave. My thoughts again and again drift back to the darkness of my dreams, the convoluted pleasure there. As I step into the elevator, I allow myself a tiny smirk as the vile thoughts dance behind my eyes. I meet my own eyes in the metal surface of the wall and realize just how utterly cruel the look I’m wearing is. Fitting, seeing as how my thoughts are nothing but pure evil. I let the thoughts slip away, knowing full well that dwelling on them will only bring on more selfish desire that I cannot give in to.

The elevator doors slide open and I step out into the lobby. With a brief nod at the doorman, I leave the building, hands stuffed in my pockets and head bowed against the chill of the outside air. My pace is fast and determined as I head toward the studio. I moved closer to where we practice, just to spite them all; so that I’d be able to sleep longer than them. Petty perhaps; but just one more pleasure I thrive upon.

I step inside and can clearly hear Die and Kyo arguing over something. If it’s not over music, I’ll have to break them up... again. The metal of the door feels cool beneath my palm as I press it open and slip inside, letting it click shut behind me. Shinya nods at me from the corner of the room and Toshiya snaps his ever present gum in what is quite possibly the rudest greeting I’ve ever received. My eyes fall on Kyo and Die, who have stopped arguing, but are staring heatedly at one another. Sometimes I wonder if they have lover’s spats, even though I know it’s impossible that they’re together. Die’s hardcore straight and I think Kyo would hate me if I ever said any different about him... thought I strongly suspect otherwise. I let my gaze roam freely over Kyo’s body while he’s not paying attention to me; somewhat glad that my hair hides me from the others, somewhat saddened that I can’t just slam him against the wall and have my way with him. Why the hell does he have to wear those damn tight jeans anyway? I look away just before Die turns away and marches over to his guitar, yanking it savagely off the ground and slinging it over his shoulders.

Kyo snatches his microphone from the stand and focuses his glare on me. "What the hell are you just standing there for?"

I arch an eyebrow at him as I move to my guitar stand and select which baby I’m going to use today. How I dearly want to wipe that look off his face, tear those words from his mouth and force him to apologize to me, to beg for me to forgive him. But that’s just a fantasy; there’s only so much respect I can force from someone as leader and friend before they begin to suspect something more. I quickly strum though a few chords, making sure I’m in tune before taking up my position and rattling off the list that we’ll work with today.

As we play, I realize that Kyo’s directing his anger into the lyrics. His voice is stronger and more vengeful than usual, making me shiver slightly. I want to make that voice scream, to rip it to shreds from misuse as I tear it from him over and over again. My eyes slip closed and my fingers operate on autopilot. Images of him beneath me, writhing in ecstasy fill my mind and I can feel myself starting to get hard. In my mind I bind his hands, chain him up... a silver blade in my hand, slowly sliding down his side, the skin giving way beneath it... beneath me. A soft moan escapes my lips and I feel relived that the sound of the music is loud enough to mask it. My eyes open and I shift on my spot, facing slightly away from the others, trying to hide the blatantly obvious bulge in my jeans from them. I focus on the blank wall in front of me, forcing away the morbidly beautiful images.

By the time we’re halfway through the next song, I’ve calmed myself back down enough that I can focus on the others, on how they’re doing. Die misses a note and overcorrects on the next one. I stare at him, waiting on him to look up and find the displeasure in my face. It always hurts him so when he knows that I have realized that he’s fucked up. I know it’s wrong to thrive on the pain I can cause one of my closest friends, but I do. Not to say that I don’t have a gentle side, but that side... well, frankly, it’s all a mask I slip into place. Deep down inside, I’m not a good nice person, not in the least. I show the world what I know is socially acceptable, what I know will earn me more in this life and maybe the next. Toshiya starts playing the wrong baseline and it occurs to me that Die’s off the hook. I whip around and stare at Totchi until he looks up at me. The look on my face must be priceless, because the one on his certainly is. He looks downright mortified for all of a split second and then slips back into the correct song. I glance back at Shinya and he’s smirking at me. Sometimes I think he’s too observant for his own good; but he keeps it to himself, so I can’t complain.

I turn away, focusing my gaze on Kyo’s ass. God does he have a nice ass... I switch my gaze to the floor, mentally scolding myself. Too blatant, the others might notice. How the hell would I explain that away? Not like he’s got a hole in his pants that I could claim to be staring at. Well... maybe he does. I check. Nope, no hole. Fucking figures. The song ends and I heave an exasperated sigh as I shove my guitar back into the stand.

"Toshiya, for the love of fucking God, what in the hell were you doing? Daydreaming off on another planet, or what?" I’m not even looking at him while I speak. I just want to rip into him good and then turn around and find the satisfaction of his pain written all over his face. Maybe I can make him cry like back when we first started as a band. No, that’d be pushing it too far. Once more, only so much I can get away with. When I get no answer, I turn around and glare at him. "Well?"

"I-I don’t know." His eyes focus on the ground in front of his feet and his shoulders slump in defeat.

I snort silently. Too fucking easy. He’s no fun to play with. Kyo, on the other hand... far more fun. "Well, pay attention next time, will ya?"

He nods and all but bolts from the room. I glance at Die, tossing in my comment to him as an afterthought at this point. "You missed a note."

He winces and ducks his head. "I know, I’m sorry. I overcorrected too, I know I did."

I nod at him and let him off with only that this time. His answer and reaction satisfy the need for submission inside of me well enough. He trudges past me, muttering about having a cigarette. I let him go.

Shinya slips out the door behind him; whether to avoid me yelling at him or simply to get away, I don’t know. But he didn’t fuck up, so there’s no reason to call him back or lay into him. I realize I’m alone with Kyo now. He’s leaning against the wall, a grumpy look on his face. Seems he still hasn’t calmed down from earlier. Part of me wants to know what he and Die were arguing over; the other part doesn’t give a shit. I turn to head out the door, out of temptations way, but his voice stops me dead in my tracks.

"Totchi isn’t the only one who fucked up, you know."

I turn to look at him, staring him right in the eyes. "What’s that supposed to mean?"

"You did."

Two words, simple, inelegant, and more than enough to make me want to smash his face in. This is why he’s more fun though. He picks fights with me, forces me to have to contain myself more and more each passing day. I let out a low, involuntary growl and advance on him. I get just inside his personal space and lean in so that I’m all but breathing down his neck. "Oh yeah... where?"

Fire seems to dance behind his eyes as he leans closer. "Oh... right about the same point you decided to head off into lala land, that’s when."

He’s so close, it’s almost intimidating... almost. I take a deep breath and then let out a low laugh. "So then why the hell are you the only one to mention it?"

He pulls back and smirks at me. "’Cause I’m the only one with balls enough to say it."

I think of how dearly I’d like to get my hands on those balls and squeeze until he begs for mercy. Little fucker needs to learn some respect when speaking to me. I close my eyes and try to calm myself down, but I can feel his breath hot against my neck and it’s not helping matters any. Everything’s boiling inside of me, rolling like it’s going to overflow. I feel like a ridiculously tall weed in a fifty mile per hour wind, bending almost to the snapping point. Any second, and I’m gone. He gets under my skin like this; it’s pathetic that I let him. But then, that’s just the dynamic between us. It always has been, probably always will be. I lead, he follows. He argues, I let him; because if I don’t, everything will fall apart.

Some days I feel like he senses some weakness inside of me that I cannot heal, almost like he sees through all the walls I’ve built around me. But others, I can see the confusion clearly written across his face, and I know that he doesn’t have a clue what lays beneath the surface.

I start to back away, shaking my head. I can’t let this get to me... I can’t let him get to me. I turn away and place my hand on the doorknob. His hand closes around my wrist, firm and demanding.

"Let it out... I know you want to."

My heart clenches in my chest and my breathing cuts off short. He has no idea what he’s asking for. If he had a clue, he wouldn’t ask this of me. I shake my head and tug at my arm, trying to get it out of his grasp. But he won’t let go, instead he moves closer to me once more, almost backing me up against the door. Panic claws at my insides. No, I can’t let this happen. I will not lose control to the man I most want control over. Anger overshadows the panic and I rip my wrist free from his grasp. I all but shove him back from me before violently yanking open the door and storming down the hall past Shinya and Toshiya. The metal door of the back exit clangs open, cracking hard against the stone wall. I yank my cigarettes from my pocket and light up, before puffing on it angrily. I glance up to find Die staring at me with a half amused look on his face. "What?" My voice is almost rude.

He shrugs as he tosses his cigarette butt to the ground and puts it out with his shoe. "Nothing."

And with that, I’m left alone again, nothing but the sound of the door clicking shut behind him to break the silence. I lean back against the wall and let out a sigh as I drag my hand across my face. How much longer can I keep this up? How much longer can I keep lying and hiding before it all comes crumbling down around my head? One day it will happen. I’m not naïve enough to think otherwise. What will they all think when the truth is revealed to them about who I really am? I finish off my cigarette, finding no answers, only more questions. Halfheartedly, I trudge back inside to finish up practice.

The rest of the day, I just kind of go through the actions, not really caring, just existing. I do my best to avoid looking at Kyo. I know he’s either pissed or hurt that I treated him like that, and frankly, I don’t want to know which. I play like I don’t care, despite how the others are playing. Within six songs, each of them messes up at least once. I don’t even react. I’ve made myself dead inside for now. It’s the only way to get through the rest of today. Night falls outside and finally, we hit the last song - Repetition of Hatred. I play it with a little more energy, able to push in that extra effort knowing it’s the last song. As the last notes ring out, Kyo turns to me, his eyes boring into mine and he whispers one last line almost too low for me to hear.

"My all, rotten through and through... on that night, we understood."

My hands fall away from my guitar and I blink at him in confusion. I realize that I should understand the reference, comprehend the meaning; but I don’t. I just shake my head at him and he turns away, sadness reflecting in his eyes for the few seconds I can see them. Methodically, we all gather our stuff, put things away and leave in the order in which we always do - Shinya first, then Toshiya, then Die, leaving Kyo and I alone once more. I flip off the light, plunging us into darkness before reaching for the door handle. I can feel his presence beside of me more than see it. I hesitate for a moment and then tug on the door, only to have it open half an inch and slam shut. I flinch at the sound before turning around and staring where I know Kyo is. "What gives?"

No answer. Not that I really expected one. He moves closer to me, almost pressing against me, backing me into the door. One of his hands is still firmly planted on the door, keeping me from opening it, the other he places firmly in the center of my chest. Slowly his fingertips slide down my chest, stopping over my abdomen and resting his hand there. He draws in a shaky breath and then starts singing, his voice low and quavering.

"My all, rotten through and through. On that night, we understood each other, even now... even if that night's in the past, for some reason I keep searching for the words to stop you from going."

My breath catches in my throat as I finally understand, the light finally dawning, spreading over the meaning with crystal clarity. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the door as my hands find his shoulders and pull him closer. "Kyo..."

He gasps slightly at the contact of our bodies, but almost instantly he’s clinging to me, his face buried in my neck, hands fisted in my shirt.

"How long?" My own voice betrays me, coming out hoarse, as though I’ve been crying.

"Too long," he whispers against me.

"Even back then?"

A single nod and I feel like a complete idiot. All this time and he’s been mine all along. Never belonging to another, only to me. I slide one hand into his blonde hair, letting it sift through my fingers, before repeating the process. My brain’s on overload. What does he expect from me? Which Kaoru does he want? Who I truly am, or the one that plays nice? Part of me realizes that I’ll be whatever he wants, even if it means I have to forever hide behind walls of my own creation. But I can test the waters; every boat can take some amount of rocking before it tips. My fingers curl into his hair and I pull his head back and find his lips with my own. My kiss is anything but sweet; harsh, demanding... fulfilling. I moan softly as I pull away and let go.

"I’m not the man that you think I am..."

His body presses more firmly against my own. "I can see past your walls, Kaoru. I have seen what you’re hiding and I want it... all of it."

I shake my head. How can he possibly know? Perhaps he thinks he knows, but he’s only scratched the surface, if at all. No one could want the monster that lives inside of me. Even Kyo would run from the truth. "No... you can’t. What you think you know isn’t real."

"You like our pain. Making the others upset thrills you. Dragging us here at the butt crack of dawn makes you happy. Every bit of it except my sadness feeds something inside of you. If I’m upset, a part of you shrivels and dies." He pauses as his fingertips lightly trail down my sides. "You want me because you know how I am. You know and understand my tendencies." Another pause as he all but plasters himself against me. "You want to inflict the pain that I cause myself."

I can see his faint outline now, my eyes having adjusted to the darkness, and I stare at him in complete and utter shock. I’ve hidden it so deep, for so long. How the hell can he know? Is it all an elaborate guess? Or does he really just know me that well? His lips on my neck interrupt my thoughts, drawing me back to the here and now.

"I’m yours... if you’ll have me."

I capture his lips again, pulling him so close to me that I think he just might melt into being a part of me. I groan softly as I pull back. Not here; I can’t do this here. The Kaoru he wants, the one he’s asking for only exists at home; that’s the only place he’s allowed to exist. I push him back gently. "Home."

He steps back from me, just far enough to allow me to turn and open the door. Light floods us and I feel like reality has snapped back into place. I stare only at the floor as we walk out of the building and head down the street toward my apartment. I don’t dare look at him, mostly afraid of what I’ll see in his eyes. Does he really mean it? I lick my lips, still tasting him on me and I shiver slightly. We turn the corner and enter my apartment building. The doorman nods at me and doesn’t even look at Kyo. Part of me wonders if I’m making this all up in my mind. Maybe I’ve finally lost it from this whole internal struggle I’ve been warring with for so many years.

We get in the elevator and I stare at our reflections as floor after floor pass. It stops two floors before mine and the doors slide open. An elderly woman enters and pushes the button for the lobby. The doors close and I wait almost impatiently for the last two floors to pass by. When the doors open again, we have to slip past her in order to get out. Kyo goes first and I go second. Her fingers reach out and wrap in my shirt. I turn and give her a confused look. She smiles as she lets go. "You make a lovely couple."

I stare at her as the doors close between us, confused as to how she would know. I wasn’t even looking at him the entire ride. What did I do for her to know? I turn away, shaking my head, and follow Kyo down the hallway to my apartment. I almost tell him about the woman, but I don’t, figuring it’d only serve to further kill the mood. I shove my key in the lock and push the door open, letting us both inside before closing and locking the door. We remove our shoes in respective silence and he turns to head into the living room. He takes two steps before coming to a halt and instead turning around and kneeling down in front of me.

He bows his head as he lowers himself until he’s almost touching the floor. "Whatever you ask, I will do. Whatever you do, I will accept. I am yours."

I’m shocked, to say the least. Complete submission from the one man I’ve never been able to get a complete grasp on. I step closer until I’m standing, towering over him. "Rise."

Almost instantly, he’s up, head still bowed. He looks almost sad and I know something isn’t right. I reach out and gently caress his cheek. "Kyo... listen to me. I don’t expect you to be my slave; that’s not what I’m after, not at all. I want you the way you are, the way you want to be and are most comfortable being."

Slowly he raises his head and his eyes meet mine. "What you want will make me happy."

I shake my head. "Don’t conform to me; it’s no fun for either of us like that."

His eyes regain the fire I’m so used to and I smile at him as I pull him close. "I need some truth from you, Kyo. Can you do that for me?" A nod, so I continue. "The things you do on stage... do you just do it for show or do you enjoy it?"

"It gets me hard, if that’s what you want to know."

I smirk. He’s always had that way about him, blunt, straightforward, no bones about it. "Only if you do it?"

"No one else has ever tried."

"Have you ever considered taking it further? Experimenting with other aspects?"

"Considered, yes. Done, no."

Satisfied with the answers, I pull back and grasp his arm, leading him down the darkened hallway to my bedroom. Once inside, I shut the door behind us and urge him toward the bed. He crawls onto it and I follow until I’m hovering over his body, kneeling between his spread legs. I lean down and kiss him hungrily, letting go of years worth of pent up frustration and need. My tongue plunges into his mouth, tangling with his, drawing a moan from him. I pull back to nip and kiss my way down his neck, laving my tongue over his artery. My hands tremble for a moment before I yank his shirt over his head and toss it to the floor. Mine follows a few seconds later and then I’m all over him again. I’ve waited too long for this... for him.

My hands roam his body, my fingertips tracing scars, old and new alike. My mouth finds his again and I drag my fingernails harshly down his sides, knowing I’m drawing blood. He throws his head back and cries out, his voice cracking with the intensity of it. I shudder as I press against him, feeling just what I’m doing to him. Oh, sweet delicious sin. The sounds he makes should be illegal. I know this won’t be slow; it can’t be, not with so much history between us. It won’t be gentle either; I don’t think either of us want that. I grind my hips against his, feeling his erection press against my own. My fingers slide back up his sides, finding them slick with blood. I slide my hands through it, smearing it over his chest and abdomen before quickly undoing his belt and pants. He struggles out of them as I free my aching erection from the confines of my pants.

I lean over him and yank open the bedside drawer, pulling out a condom, ripping it open, and slipping it on. His fingers lightly caress my skin and a moan bubbles up in my throat at the feeling. "I want you, so bad."

His fingers wrap around my cock and jerk roughly a few times. "The fucking take me already."

I lean back over and grab the bottle of lube from the drawer.

His hand closes over mine and he pulls the tube away and throws it across the room. His voice is rough and worn, as though he’s been screaming for hours... which he has, now that I think about it. "Hurt me, make me scream."

My blood boils hot in my veins. He wants the pain, just as much as I want to give it. I reposition myself, pressing against him before abruptly thrusting in. Searing pain rips through his body, I can tell. He’s tensed beneath me and a cry of pain rips from his throat. I slide my hand across his abdomen and then lower, closing it around the evidence of his arousal and jerking him harshly.

His hands find my shoulders and he bucks his hips up. "Damn it, Kao..."

I let out a low moan as I let go of his cock and begin to thrust into him. He’s so tight and I know he’s bleeding. I pull almost all the way out and slam myself back in to the hilt. Over and over again, I do this, each time earning another cry of pleasure from him, each time pushing myself closer and closer to the edge. I shift positions, sliding one hand down between us and stroking him. The other hand I let slide up his blood-slick chest, coming to rest on his throat. I watch his eyes intently, silently asking permission. His hand comes down and closes around my wrist. "Do it."

I start to thrust again, stroking his arousal in time with each plunge I take into his body. Slowly my hand tightens, my eyes never leaving his. He tenses beneath me and around me and I know he’s almost there. His back arches and I tighten my grip even more, thrusting faster into his heat. His hand clamps down around my wrist and I release all the pressure I have on his throat in an instant. Seconds later he’s cumming, his wanton cry echoing off the walls of my apartment, resounding in the halls of my mind. I thrust a few more times, hard, fast; desperate to follow him over the edge. My own cry of pleasure pours from my lips, mixing with the remaining effects of his as I cum hard, harder than I have in years.

I barely manage to pull out and toss the condom in the trash before my arms give out and I end up sprawled on the mattress beside him. I groan softly as I turn over and reach out for him. He slides into my arms and I cradle him there, praying I didn’t do too much damage to his beautiful body. My fingers dance lightly down his side before settling on his hip. "It wasn’t too much, was it?"

He lifts his head and looks into my eyes, his hand tracing my jaw. "No. It was perfect. No one’s ever willing to give me what I want... what I need. You are though."

I can’t keep the smile from my lips. He’s right, this is perfection. No matter what else happens, having him in my arms at all is the definition of perfection in my mind. I let my head fall back against the pillow as I pull him closer. His arms wrap around me and together we fall into darkness.


End file.
